I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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