I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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