So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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