I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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