I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
