as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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