Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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