so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
