That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
