I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
