when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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