Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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