It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
