I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
