Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
MIDGETS
????
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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