After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
