Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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