i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
