the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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