We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
