shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
