dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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