If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
