I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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