I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
