I puked a lego.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
