I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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