Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
