I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
