Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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