I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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