Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
