I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
