I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
