I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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