She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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