first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
try to milk me bitch
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
