my vag is so smooth its legendary
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
