The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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