Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
