You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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