I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
