I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
