Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
