I think I died a long time ago.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
