Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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