I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
