I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
