Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
