i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
