I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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