I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
