I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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